Look. Ketchup is divinely revealed as a basic food group. I get it. I get it, in fact, by the demijohn.
But this has to stop. Something must be done. I cannot be silent. If not I, who? If not now, when? If not here, where? If not… those other things, then…. I digress.
Divine Revelation provides all things necessary for salvation and human flourishing. Human flourishing clearly includes French fries. And French fries, by natural law, demand ketchup, not mayo, not vinegar, ketchup. So, because whatever is necessary for the proper use of God-given foods is part of God’s providential plan and since ketchup is necessary for the proper use of French fries, which are clearly God-given, therefore, ketchup is part of God’s providential plan. This fact rises to the level of at least sententia certiora: a teaching “more certain” because all right-thinking people accept it without complaint. HENCE, ketchup is not merely a condiment, it is a basic food group, divinely intended, doctrinally secure, and pastorally indispensable.
Except when hot dogs are involved.
What God ordains for a specific purpose may not be distorted for an unholy purpose. But God ordained ketchup for French fries (and related potato-based delights… okay hamburgers, scrambled eggs sometimes, grilled cheese sandwiches perhaps), not for hot dogs.
Therefore, using ketchup on hot dogs is a distortion of divine purpose.
Furthermore, Tradition must be considered.
Across the ages, from baseball stadiums to parish cookouts, there exists a living magisterium of the grill in which mustard, onions, relish, and sauerkraut form the legitimate constellation of hot-dog condiments. Except in recent times (Get it? After Vatican II!) ketchup is conspicuously absent as though Providence Itself decreed non licet.
This non licet is strengthened by negative revelation: no saint, Church Father, or approved apparition has ever endorsed ketchup on a hot dog. The silence is thunderous.
In NYC you eat hot dogs without committing heresy with mustard, kraut and some chopped onion.
In some places you can use chili, like in Cincinnati or at Coney Island. Detroit too, if I remember, but with mustard and onion.
You can travel the world and there will be ubiquitous mustard. But ketchup? For a guy who grew up in CHICAGO? Maybe in California… which figures… and Jesuit houses.
But CHICAGO?
In Chicago, you can do a lot of things to a hot dog, including “drag it through da garden” which means generally the addition of yellow mustard, chopped onions, a dill pickle, tomato slices, neon green relish, hot peppers, and celery salt.
Given the clarity of purpose, the witness of Tradition (NB: upper case T), and the sentiment of every self-respecting grill master, we may therefore state:
To put ketchup on a hot dog is contrary to divine revelation, and should be avoided under pain at least of raised eyebrows and tisking and blog posts.
Pastorality, however (NB: my use of a newly “walking together” neologism because I’m really trying communicate in a post-Conciliar Church… church… ), suggests that ketchup on hotdogs for children under the age of 10 as well as for Minnesotans … and Canadians… may be tolerated per modum dispensationis, but they should be catechized promptly.
This is where things get serious and I risk my ecclesial neck but retain my good conscience. Dear readers… everything I do is for YOU. I am a river to my people.
Try to follow even if you are from Columbia Heights.
Now, Chicago TRADITION intensifies the situation. In that windy city, presently being punished by God according to St. John Eudes, the hot dog is treated with dogmatic reverence: mustard, onion, relish, tomato, sport peppers, celery salt, and a pickle spear. Never ketchup. To violate this is not merely a breach of taste, but an act akin to denial of doctrine taught de fide.
A heretic is one who obstinately denies or contradicts a truth held de fide. The doctrine that ketchup is divinely ordained for French fries (etc. ut supra) and forbidden on hot dogs has been established as at least sententia certiora, but the fact of the Traditio culinaria Chicagiensis introduces a qualitative distinction. Leo XIV, from Chicago, is bound by Tradition. Who more than he? When it comes to hot dogs he is bound by Traditio Chicagiensis. Therefore, he who obstinately places ketchup on a hot dog contradicts a truth held as de fide and stands on the brink of heresy.
But Leo PUBLICLY stated ketchupify for hot dogs.
This is not just offensive to pious ears, my dear readers. This is serious.
A Chicago-born Pope who knowingly and publicly endorses ketchupifying a hot dog (I’ll use bullet points to show I am being argumentative):
- rejects authentic tradition (Traditio culinaria Chicagiensis),
- defies the universal magisterium of street vendors,
- and, being from the south-side gives grave scandal to the faithful of both Wrigleyville and whatever it that other place is called now.
Therefore, such a pontiff could be accused of condimental heresy.
Important Clarification
If previous theological, traditional, and Chicagoan claims were not sufficient, we now appeal to the ultimate authority in all serious matters: Latin etymology.
In classical Latin, we find two distinct words:
Cónditor, from condo, cóndere (“founder, establisher, creator”) as in Cónditor alme siderum … Loving Creator of the stars.” This is applied to God, and by extension (in a subordinate sense) to a Pope as guardian of what God has founded in the realm of doctrine.
But there is also Condítor — from condio, condíre (seasoner, one who spices or pickles, maker of condiments).
Though spelled the same, they belong to utterly different realms.
One is about creation and divine order.
The other is about adding relishes, etc. to … hot dogs.
The Pope, as successor of Peter, participates analogically in the role of Cónditor: the protector of what God has established, not the inventor of new culinary dogmas.
He is not a condítor (from condio) in the sense of “One who concocts condimental novelties.”
Nihil innovetur.
And so, the Pope, as Cónditor, must preserve what is established and not innovate in matters contrary to divine order. But, declaring ketchup as desirable on hot dogs constitutes a condimental innovation proper only to a condítor.
ERGO, a Pope may not declare ketchup licit on hot dogs, lest he confuse his role as Cónditor with that of a condítor.
To do so would collapse the majestic office of the Supreme Pontiff into that of a rogue sandwich artist an inversion so grave it borders on .. don’t know what it borders on but it is not good. Why? Since in Chicago the hot dog’s proper “creation” (conditio) is mustard-based and universally received, a Pope from Chicago who introduces ketchup would violate the divinely implied ordo condimentorum, blur the ontological line between founding and flavoring, and effectively claim a power proper only to a lesser condítor, a mere condiment tinkerer.
Such confusion of offices is intolerable.
Therefore, by the witness of Latin, theology, and every hot-dog stand from Cicero Avenue to Wrigley Field, we declare that a Pope from Chicago must not even suggest ketchup on a hot dog, lest he betray his role as guardian of creation and descend into the heresy of condimental innovation.
Leo may bind and loose, but he mustn’t squeeze ketchup on a Vienna beef.
Does he have the power to put ketchup on a hot dog? Yes, but he doesn’t have the moral authority to do so, just as Karl Rahner – who understood sausages with mustard and kraut – argued about abolishing the Eastern Rites, just as no Pope has the moral authority to suppress the Traditional Latin Mass.
Q.E.D.
To correct this scandal, I think the only path forward is that Pope Leo, during a trip to Chicago, must go to the NORTH side and order not just a “hot dog” but rather a Superdawg at… well… SUPERDAWG and tell them to drag it through the garden. If he want’s ketchup with his fries, great! That’s his job after all, to point us to divinely revealed truths and NOT this … other thing.
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Brilliant article! I feel your pain.
I must, however, take issue over chips (French fries) with vinegar and salt. This is a British staple, perhaps due to Protestant influence or perhaps it’s just inculturation. Nevertheless, it is perfectly licet in these islands. I must confess, though, that lately I have become rather fond of mayonnaise on my chips, in the Belgian (I believe) fashion.
ketchup should never be used by anyone who has reached the age of reason. vile disgusting concentrated sugar.
Thank you Fr. Z.
You have brought sanity levity to what the early Church Fathers would call insanity.
They warned me that this blog had Heinzenist tendencies.
Bwahahahahaha
Yes, but… for those who want it, and just for the purposes of pastoral care, you understand, couldn’t a bit of ketchup be allowed to be mixed together with the mustard, so as to keep the peace while allowing a bit of leeway to the dissidents? The point is not to exclude anything or anyone, so that everyone may feel they have a stake in the hot dog Tradition, while still not changing their ways in any significant way…
I’m getting hungry lol
But for truth
Thanks
Very sad… since he was elected I’ve been hoping that Leo would be able to cut the mustard, but he seems determined to catchup to his predecessor! At least the conclave didn’t opt for a sour kraut, that would have been the worst… we’d really be in a pickle!
Wonderful! But I do think it is hilarious that outsiders think they know ketchup is forbidden on a “Chicago” hot dog. It’s like Hollywood movies whose characters talk about “the museum of natural history” (the Field Museum) or who named the Bishop Ford “Freeway” (expressway). Notice, the Pope, a native, tells the first most important condiments on a hot dog, mustard and ketchup. My family has lived in the Chicago area since before the Great Fire and we eat ketchup on hot dogs. I think so much dogma — ha ha — flows through New York City that they end up deciding everything. That probably explains what hot dog stands think they should serve. Yes to ketchup. But thanks anyway!
Nope, nope, nope! I’m with Pope Leo! Born and raised in Chicago and ketchup is a MUST! ON A HOTDOG! 51% of Chicagoans actually use ketchup on their dogs. Let’s be synodal about this and practice a little inclusivity!
I eat my French fries naked. Only salt is added.
As for hotdogs, I usually add ketchup but not always. Where I live now, bratwurst is king!
When I was travelling for work in the middle east, my colleague would bring his own bottle of ketchup with him because it was, as you stated Fr. Z, difficult to find in the restaurants! And unlike me, he ate it with everything!
I am fully with you. No ketchup on hot dogs. I am an Ohioan, and while some here commit this atrocity, I prefer coleslaw, which is how my mother, from West Virginia, ate them growing up. Or Stadium Mustard (which is used at Progressive Field for Indians – er, Guardians – games), sweet onions, and Tony Packo’s bread and butter pickles.
As for French fries, yes, I love them with ketchup, especially the spicy kind. But I *really* love them made into poutine – hot, crispy French fries covered in cheese curds and brown gravy – Canada’s great gift to fine cuisine!
God bless and protect you, Father, and all here!
Fr Z.,
I wholeheartedly agree with you – the only grilled food catchup belongs on is a burger – but only if BBQ sauce is unavailable. However, I do feel compelled, respectfully of course, to fraternally correct you on your statement that YELLOW mustard is acceptable on a hot dog – I’ll of course afford you the grace and assume you forgot to add that yellow mustard is acceptable FOR CHILDREN GRADUATING FROM CATCHUP TO THE ONLY REAL MUSTARD THAT EXISTS – SPICY BROWN MUSTARD.
God Bless & Vivat Jesus!
This is easily one of the most magnificent theological rants I’ve ever beheld!
Re: the Chicago dog, I’m ever grateful to the vendor and the fan who walked me through construction of my first one in April of ’24 at Wrigley Field (afternoon Cubs-Dodgers game, snow flurries, John Benedeck playing “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” on the organ). That was my second game at Wrigley, and I have to commend the hospitality. As an Indians/Guardians fan I have slightly mixed feelings, but the ’16 Series was epic so I can’t complain overmuch.
God bless and keep all here. Happy Thanksgiving.
since ketchup is necessary for the proper use of French fries
Father, with all due and loving respect, ketchup induces the destruction of this potato dish in sesum. This dish is only properly presented with vinegar, albeit that some in Belgium use mayonnaise instead ; except that they have NO IDEA how to actually make it !!
So on the safe side, simply stick to the vinegar.
“declaring ketchup as desirable on hot dogs”
Dubium — it seems to me as if the Roman Pontiff suggested no such desirability, but instead stated a preference personal, not general.
As perhaps a public confession of his public imperfection.
That hot dogs are themselves desirable is NOT in doubt, and the Holy Roman Pontiff has affirmed this undeniable truth ; and whilst he holds to ketchup, he has nevertheless affirmed the need for mustard thereto, despite some doubtful notion of additional ketchup.
But his teaching nevertheless of mustard suggests to me a state of venial and not mortal sin.
—
As to your “superdawg” I cannot help but look at it with the distaste naturally felt from one’s obstinate cleaving to the most simple forms of the Tradition as such. In which bread and flesh far surpass in import the incidentals of sauce, condiment, or indeed garnish. [I’ll pray for you.]
There is an ecumenical catholicity to this sandwich dish whereby its efficacity persists entirely inwith purpose of the hot doggedness and only incidentally with its sauciness.
Indeed certain dogs have such matters as fried onions and aromatic grease so that some semi-liquid additives should violate such established non-Chicagoan rites.
fwiw Wikipedia says :
The use of mustard as a hot dog condiment is said to have been first seen in the United States at the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair, when the bright-yellow French’s mustard was introduced by the R.T. French Company.
How French’s could claim any connection with mustum ardens I cannot imagine.
IaninEngland. Yes, I too dip my fries in mayonnaise.
Off-topic, but that reference to Tony Packo’s has got my mouth watering. Channeling my inner Klinger from Toledo, I guess!
Japanese “Naporitan” [Napolitan] is a popular ketchup-based pasta created in post-war Yokohama. It is essentially spaghetti & ketchup. I lived in Japan for five years … never wanted to try it — but Japanese love it.
https://www.justonecookbook.com/ketchup-spaghetti-recipe/
As for ketchup/catsup …. it is of Chinese (or Malay) origin.
——
1711, Charles Lockyer, An Account of the Trade in India 128
“Soy comes in Tubbs from Japan, and the best Ketchup from Tonquin [N.Vietnam]; yet good of both sorts are made and sold very cheap in China.”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ketchup
—-
— Guy
When absolutely forced to, I’ll abuse my palate to pour that processed tomato puree on my “pommes frites” if good malt vinegar is absent from the table. But, prefer beef gravy, cheese curds, and bacon bits over them in the style of ‘poutine’ from Quebec. There is actually a poutine food truck here in Fall River with everything from said bacon to other more exotic garnishment available. Do not knock it if you’ve not tried it. Noting better than a plate consumed at a sidewalk cafe in Old Montreal.
Now, about mustard. Has to be brown, spicy, and slathered on a red hot during a July weekend afternoon game in the temple of baseball known as Fenway Park. That’s it. No relish, chili, onions, cheese, etc. Just soft frankfurter bun, long red hot, mustard. Adult beverage optional but recommended.
Mayo? ON FRIES????!!!
No!
Ketchup, yes!
Vinegar
Curry
Gravy & mozz (disco fries)
Gravy & cheddar curds (poutine fries)
All proper forms.
…but mustard? Anathema.
In re: “…ketchup on hotdogs for children under the age of 10 as well as for Minnesotans … and Canadians… may be tolerated per modum dispensationis, but they should be catechized promptly.”
This reminds me of the time when my older brother, who had moved to the Gulf Coast, got married and began a family, came to Chicago (where he was born and raised) for a visit, and one of my nephews, about age 8 at the time, requested ketchup on his hotdog. Aghast, one my other brothers quickly catechized him, (jokingly) saying you CANNOT put ketchup on a hotdog, at which point the young lad burst into tears! After much soothing by his dad, he was allowed to eat the hotdog with ketchup, but I am certain he has learned, now that he’s a young adult that dispensation has ended.
The dogsplainers in this combox are really twisting themselves into knots on this.
Yes it’s POSSIBLE to interpret his words in a way that is consistent with what previous popes have eaten, but I think we can at least say that that ketchup is INOPPORTUNE in this context.
LOVE ketchup on fries.
Even make my own ketchup which is even better.
My brother liked tarter sauce on his which I guess is akin to mayo on fries.
Never have liked hot dogs. When forced to eat one years ago I prefered everything available on it so I would taste the dog less.
Delightful post!
Tomacula Americana, vulgo canes calidi, condimento e lycopersicis, vulgo catsup tomato, edenda non sunt. Qui hoc contradixerit, anathema sit.
You know what your problem is? You haven’t been eating as much ketchup as doctors recommend. I’ve been concerned. There was an article about it somewhere just recently, Doctors have found that ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help older people like yourself accept change. Let’s go fix ourselves some crackers and ketchup.
[Cue Jingle]
“These are the good years, in the golden sun
A new day is dawning, a new life has begun
Love is flowing, like ketchup on a bun.”
Il faut de la mayonnaise pour ces frites. Barbares!
Like @IaninEngland and @Not I prefer to dip my fries in mayonnaise, in Belgian fashion. After all, it is the Belgians that invented them, and not the French. The mayo must be of the Belgian kind, which is a bit on the sour side, yet creamy. All other varieties I consider subpar. (Not a Belgian myself, I’m from North of the border. In Belgium, fries are generally better than in my neck of the woods, which is hardly surprising. Fries are a matter of national pride over there.)
Father, this is hilarious.
You might not remember, but about fifteen years ago, you were in Philadelphia. It was before the annual Assumption Mass at Mater Ecclesia. You were having one of those get-togethers you used to do at a pub. This was an Irish pub. I showed up early with my son. You and I stood at the bar and chatted for a bit. You ordered fries as an appetizer. When they arrived, you proceeded to put ketchup on them. I laughingly threatened to take a picture of them and post it, to which you jokingly replied, “Go ahead, no one will ever believe you!”
Ketchup IS America…Happy Thanksgiving!
Ketchup and mustard only for me. I hate relish, and I only eat saurkraut on Ruben Sandwiches.
Sometimes, I’ll smother a hotdog in Chilli and cheese, but never all that other stuff.??
I’d as soon eat century eggs
Sorry Father, I’m a ketchupvacantist and I will not be ashamed of it.
All of this free-thinking reminds me of the post-conciliar years when diabolical novelties like this proliferated! Putting ketchup – in and of itself a worthy condiment – on a hot dog is akin to putting mayonnaise on linguini! Might as well toss the whole mess in the dumpster! This is too typical of the emotionally-driven and subjective mindset which e.g. allows a dollop of rum in which a cooked cheese sandwich had been dunked to be passed-off as a a “Grilled Cheese Martini” by dint of its being served in a stemmed martini glass! (I’m not making this up!)
In closing, I’ll note that when I heard those words “abomination of desolation“ in last Sunday‘s gospel, my mental image was of a hotdog with ketchup on it! Case closed, there is no appeal possible!
That hot dog looks delicious. No ketchup. Although I personally like cheese sauce on my hot dog occasionally
So, Father, does this mean that we will soon get a Motu Proprio (shall we call it Traditionis Culinariae Custodes Chicagiensis?) that explicitly bars the THM (Traditional Hotdogs with Mustard) from being served and consumed inside parish restaurants and baseball stadiums? Does this mean that perhaps special provisions in the form of special tents would have to be set up outside of the Windy City™ for the exclusive use of the Extraordinary Form of these Traditional hot dogs? Will Traditional Hot Dog stands serving the THM eventually get an Apostolic Visitation for refusing to ketchupify and embrace ketchupitality? Will the faithful eaters of the THM be forced to ketchupify in the name unity?
As only TonyB has had the grace to point out, the venerable Coney Dog – and chili dog (the lesser due to the inclusion of beans) are respectable and time-honored hot dog presentations. Only one of the advantages being that, if you have a mustache when you eat it, you get to carry the scent of it with you for the rest of the day!
As chili is made with tomatoes, that makes a pretty strong argument for other tomato-based condiments to be used…
Q.E.D.
Methinks he was out beyond his…bun.
I have never put ketchup on my hot dog: I am a purist. I can tolerate ketchup on fries, but that is mostly because few places can make fries properly. When fries are properly made, you don’t need ketchup, and rarely would you want it. (5 Guys comes close, but not quite there.) Y’all want ketchup to cover up all the deficiencies in the fries. And never on dogs.
For those who use vinegar: what the heck is this, a smelly drain that needs disinfecting? Window washing? You’re lucky God doesn’t send lightening to strike.
sjoseph371 claims that the only true mustard is spicy brown mustard. Oh yeah? What about Grey Poup, hmmm? I actually can’t stand mustard, so I don’t let it besmirch my dogs, anyway. Mayo is the abomination of desolation. And sauerkraut is for sour Krauts, not for Americans: the hot dog was re-invented by Americans because “German sausage” didn’t quite work. If you want to claim ‘kraut is “traditional” you can go back to Germany. And if you put chili “on” it (usually taking up more than half the meal), you aren’t even in the same space as “hot dog”, it’s not just some other dish, and not just in some other genus, it’s in some other phylum.
Here’s the deal: if you had GOOD dogs, you wouldn’t want all that crap on it. Let the dog speak for itself.
The very best hot dog is a gas station roller dog that has been rolling for a very long time, at least a half hour, on a bun WITH ketchup and nothing else to interfere with its flavor.
This is a fundamental truth that supersedes all other opinions or assertions.
This slippery slope started when he chose the White Sox over the Cubs.
tomthumb, that’s blasphemy. Even as the Sox may sink deeper into the abyss, Pope Leo has chosen the better option.
For many reasons the content of this article is of very bad taste, and paradoxically falls into another heresy called americanism.
Tacos is the answer, not discussions about ketchup.