From “The Private Diary of Bishop F. Atticus McButterpants” – 26-02-18 – Ashes

Febuary 18th, 2026

Dear Diary,

It’s Ash Wednesday. I hate Ash Wednesday for the obvious reasons.  Today I hate it more than I have ever hated it.

It started in the afternoon with a text from Msgr Tommy: “LOL…. Get ready!  INCOMING!”   I had no idea what he was trying to say, that he was maybe coming to visit?

A few minutes later in comes the VG with a nasty smile.   “Remember how I told you that you’ve gotta get rid of all those damn altar rails?”  My heart sank.  Ever since that blockhead stirred things up over in Tennisee or wherever, some of the guys have been on my case about rails.  Now I get letters begging me not to tear out rails.  Every place I go people ask about the damn rails!  Some of them cry.  Now this.  Old Henry O’Sullivan out in Briar Glen put ashes on TONGUES if they knelt at the rail like they do at communion and automatically put their tongues out.  I could kill him.   The VG said that kids were crying, parents furious, one old lady jerked away and fell down.

Tommy called later and fill me in.  Henry was going along the rail saying the thing and if someone was there with their tongue out – lots of them do that there at St. Ambrose still which is okay – like I care –  he says one after another the “unto dust” thing and then suddenly “stupid” and drops a pile of ashes on their tongue.  Actually, it’s kind funny.

I’m going to have to do something, which is the last thing I want to do.

I called Fr. Henry and told him he better come in and see me tomorrow.  That sure puts cramp in my day.  He’s about 200 years old and could retire, but I don’t have the warm bodies to fill the places that are opening.

Consolation: supper at Razzo’s for “Meat Thursday”.   HA!